Wisdom From a 17 Year Old in Rehab

I am a math tutor. Several of my clients are boys at a drug rehab center who contracts me out. I spend a great deal of time with these boys, one on one, replacing the curriculum they lost (usually grades 4-9) while they were doing drugs. Most of them grew up in very wealthy homes. Some of their parents funded their addictions. My observations over the past 2.5 years have been that this center does an excellent job helping these boys move out of very destructive patterns into lives of recovery. Most of them never go home permanantly. They stay in treatment until they move into another program that helps them transition into adulthood. I have seen many success stories.

Currently, I am working with a boy who has been in recovery for about 1.5 years. I have been tutoring him for almost a year of that time. He has become a very responsible, considerate, honest, hard-working boy. His transformation has been remarkable.

This morning I asked him what advice he had for a mother of a young boy. He told me he thought I was smart to ask him, because he knows so much about what can really harm kids. He opened up to me about some of his life experiences. He told me about selling drugs, committing violent acts with skinheads, and being beaten nearly to death. He told me about being kicked out and living on the streets of a huge urban city during a very cold winter. He told me about being arrested more than 20 times. He told me about driving drunk. As he told me these devastating experiences, I could see the sorrow in his eyes. Not sorrow for himself, but regret for the sorrow he has caused. He told me that one of the horrors he has to deal with daily is that he has done so much to hurt so many, and he has no way to fix it all. Perhaps the most painful memories of all were those he told me the pain he caused his family.

While he blames no one but himself for the choices he has made, he did talk to me about some of the factors that he felt influenced him. He told me that he had access to money without being required to work. He told me that when parents think they are helping their kids by giving them everything they want, they are actually hurting them. Kids don't need stuff. Kids need boundaries. He told me that now that he has boundaries, he feels safe. Parents have more influence than they think. He believes that privileges should always be tied to appropriate behavior. When behavior is inappropriate, all privileges should be taken. He also said that sometimes (especially when kids are older) their parents have to accept that they can't control them anymore, and they need to let their kids bottom out, and accept that it is not their fault. He told me about hitting bottom. He said it was one of the best things that ever happened to him. It gave him the desire to change.

When I have tutoring sessions like today, I feel like I'm the one learning the more important lessons.